|
[Saturday
Apr 23rd, 11 @ 2:26am] |
its been a while since I've written in here, and to be truthful i didn't know where else to go.
We spoke about it for the first time last night. About the car crash. I remember my statement as clear as anything that i told the police; 'i don't remember much coz i was eating at the time' me being the passenger of course this was alright and not an illegal thing to do. It happened so quickly. I guess that's what happens when you driving down a highway at 80km an hour. I'm usually so cautious. I look at everything and most of the time put my foot on the pretend brake on the passenger side of the car anticipating what i would be doing if i were driving. I wasn't paying attention perhaps if i were i could of prevented something, anything. I like to think i have an eye for detail, if i had been paying attention maybe i would of been able to see the car approaching the stop sign at the intersection and not stopping. But i wasn't and i can't change that. unfortunately.
I don't know if i remember the flash of blue right before impact or if it was afterwards. I don't remember the impact at all, but i remember the flash of blue and i smashed window so come to think of it, it must of been after impact.
I was slouched in my seat. Seatbelt still fastened, airbag blown and the first thing nicole said to me was 'we were in an accident' and 'aw your bleeding'. In the split seconds of the accident to after her saying that to me, i looking at her witnessed the other car pull over to other side of the road into more oncoming traffic and be tboned on the opposite side of his vehicle to where we had hit on the drivers side.
Before long we had people running across the road from the service station. Pain had set in and it felt like my Stomach had had an red hot iron bar dragged along it and my left hip hurt like hell. The first spectature arrived and exclaimed he could smell gas or petrol and our car had been running on both. An executive decision was made to get us out of the car, even though emergency services hadn't arrived. I felt sick and had alone coming from my mouth, i must of bitten my tongue on lunch wherever that ended up.
Nicole sat on the median strip that separated the north and south bound highways, i stood trying to wash away the meltalic taste in my mouth with a bottle of water Someone handed me. She was already on the phone to her boyfriend, and instinctively grabbed mine also only i juggled with the thought of who to call. Mum would shit herself. Dad would be fine or a friend? I dunno? Noone could be there, I'm in a different state on the second day of my holiday. I called mum, half regretting it now coz i haven't heard the last of it, who immediately called dad who called me whilst she got on the phone to her western Australia friends, my sister and even attempted a couple of my friends.
An ambulance turned up. First priority was the blue car. And police started appearing. I heard there was a helicopter on its way as well. It never showed.
The second ambulance arrived and we were examined and asked if we wanted to be checked at the hospital. Although trying to be tough coz nicole was a mess, about the car and what had happened i decided we would take the ambulance ride. We were both in shock anyway. Sitting in the ambulance and putting the belt on was hell. My stomach burned and my chest throbbed from the seatbelt. I was last to be checked in at the ED department at peel health clinic.
I got changed into the white gown and then struggled onto the bed. Took a while for anyone to come see me. The doctor finally sore me after the nurse had poked and proded. He sent me for an urgent ultrasound in case of internal bleeding. Which i didn't have. They fed me panadine forte and then something stronger and wheeled my bed back next to nicole's. She was being told there was nothing wrong and she could leave.
She told me, even though we had heard it at the scene that the man driving the blue car died at the scene. He was 81. A brother, a father, a grandfather, maybe even a great grandfather. Dead. Again could i have paid more attention and slightened the impact, after all we hit him on the drivers side.
The police arrived to gain our statements and i was told the 81 year old wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
I remember watching the paramedics squeeze the air compressor over the man's mouth hoping to bring back life.
I was transferred to royal Perth hospital over an hour by ambulance. If my injuries became worse there were no surgeons in peel to deal with abdominal injuries. As these types of injuries can appear worse then first thought after the first 12 hours. The paramedic was funny. Actually all doctors and nurses were great with fun attitudes even the ultrasound guy who told me the lady in myers told him he was too fat to sins there and should try target and the lamest joke: two men sitting on a window sill, what are their names? Curt n rod.
I had xrays and more pain killers before i was sent to the major trauma unit of the hospital. I didn't sleep. Every 2 hours the nurse came round and i asked for more pain killers. Didn't need them but they were going to help me sleep. I vomited everywhere the next day, I'd be terrible at oding.
The released me late the next day, i haven't slept properly since. Everytime i close my eyes i see the flash of blue.
If i were at home i probably would of drank myself stupid, instead I'm in the middle of outback Australia missing out on a holiday I've wanted since i dunno when, by the pacific ocean where its So much warmer than Melbourne waters. I jump impulsively at turning cars and if the brakes are jammed on quickly and hard like nicole did yesterday, thinking it was hilarious. Worst thing is, nobody gets it.
|
|
|
[Thursday
Nov 27th, 08 @ 9:04pm] |
The last week or so has been hard... and not just in relation to Scott because for the past few days he's been great especially since mum's been diagnoised with breast cancer.
Speaking on the phone to her yesterday morning before she went in for her first surgery to get the lump removed along with some of the close glands in the area of the lump she broke down over the phone to me, I wasn't far behind - I had to excuse myself from work and go clam myself outside. Last night scott and i went to see her in hospital before the operation she was nervous and stressed, by the time neighbours had finished she was dressed and ready and sedated. Dad was there too, ringing the relo's to let them know she had gone under, by the time he had gotten off the phone to my grandparents (his side) he was told more bad news of his dad, my pa, that he has agressive prostate cancer and will be undergoing 5 day at a time radiothearpy for the next few months to see if he can beat it.
Bad news is a bitch.
|
|
|
[Wednesday
Mar 26th, 08 @ 10:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
I sit here quite a lot these days, wanting to write and write and write, but for some reason the right words just don't seem to want to correspond with my fingers in order to type. Bahhumbug.
I guess the last week or so has been quite an uphill struggle for me, I wanted to just write here but as mentioned the words just wouldn't come. Fighting with parents, this leading to a break up with Paul, he said I have to work my shit out before our relationship could go any further. Me not coming home until last Thursday night, even then it was well past 11pm when I stepped out of the car in the driveway - everyone was asleep. Last Monday I sent Paul an email, because the reason for him ending it with me wasn't just because I have to sort my shit out, there was something else. Of course there was. "I feel as if we are a couple of friends, than a couple in a relationship". Bah - that hurt. Tuesday night, we talked and surely enough that day was the first he had ever felt he had "missed me" and he didn't want to give up on us, even though he doesn't know how long that would last, the unsureness.
I told him that this is something we have to work through and that you just can't give up and end things especially the way he did, throwing the blame on me.
So now, we're still together. It's good, I know it is. Only now, it feels as if our relationship is on the next level. I know he has never been in a relationship before, its hard because he's frightened; probably just as much as I am. He's coming over tonight, although I know one of the biggest difficulties is letting him into my families life, especially when they are bascially nothing to me - just two people who I call mum and dad, through default.
Speaking of mum and dad, they are thinking of moving, to a "smaller" place, closer to the city and probably within the next 6 months. This means I'm going to have to start looking at places to move, this gives me at least until my birthday to find somewhere for me and my sister to move.
Having to move out is going to mean full time work. 4 days a week is not going to be enough to live off. Full time work is going to mean, no more uni. Why is everything so against me going to uni? I worked so hard to get in, this is something I have wanted to do since I left school - maybe there has been a career change; but now I can only see myself for working at the good guys for the rest of my life, and maybe getting myself a night job at a resturant or bar just to cover the cost of living. Why just my life have to just crumble when 2008 was supposed to be the year that changed my life. Even uni is challenging, but i'm loving it - i'm stressed over it but its a good stressed. I guess my happiness is never supposed to be expressed.
To make things even better, my apparent friends are being tossbuckets. Or maybe they were never friends to start with, just people to spend time with until the right group of people came along. =/
Always knew I would be better off alone lol.
|
|
|
[Tuesday
Aug 21st, 07 @ 6:43pm] |
Not much to update on really, i'm about to run to the gym and do the combat class with Dani. Mum just informed me that online Personal training is apparently the way to go because "it doesn't matter what you look like, slong as you have the qualifications". I dunno, I could perhaps go ahead and put my website up and advertise on google and what not - I wouldn't even have a clue how to do this; but who knows maybe it would take off? One day. I still have high hopes in this regard.
I've been scanning over Universities for next year, and I'm thinking of doing a HUGE move over to Shepparton and study something so I can be close to my lil cousins and watch them grow up, the only problem is they don't have an Education degree - I'd probably have to do a 3 year arts degree and then do a grad dip in education which I can do all in Shepp, but 3 years is a long time to live a 2.5 hour drive from all your friends and family. But hell, I dunno how much longer I can live at home.
Last friday night, some chick tried to pick me up at Barry's; it was both amusing and daunghting at the same time; like besides being 1 of 2 girls who was out that night who were actually 'straight' and I getting the lines laid on me, whats the odds of that - oh and we were out in a group of about 12 for a going away party, just so happens that almost everyone in the group is either gay or bi. I just can't keep track anymore.
Things with Paul. Hrm. Not so sure. He likes two girls; so really not that worth putting in the hard yards when i'll get nothing back. Especially when he likes Kristie, who isnt coming back from europe until March next year, but hey thats totally besides the point when he is totally hooked on her and all i've done is made things confusing for him. Besides that he wants to take things slow and "get to know me better" - which is fine, but still sucks mega wang chung.
Work is busy; not much to report there cept i'm dying for a holiday, bring on November a week in New Zealand BOOYA!
|
|
|
[Thursday
May 17th, 07 @ 11:15am] |
Just a quick one.
Those who watch Neighbours... this friday night Caragh, a girl I went to primary school with and now do kickboxing with (shes awesome) beats up the chick on it whose getting coached by Lou...her name starts with a J LOL, I can't remember her name and I usually watch the show every night LOL whoops. But I'll miss Friday nights episode.. damn!
|
|
|
[Thursday
Apr 26th, 07 @ 5:11pm] |
Just a quick entry to note that i got my blood test results back today and everything looks to be in order. which alternatively means further investigation. Which then means specialist. I'm starting to think its my lifestyle change, how i havent been to the gym for over 3 months - going from every day to nothing at all. *shrugs* Maybe. I dunno. As bad as it sounds, I can't be bothered wasting money of specialists.
I can't wait for next week. Al has said that he will come boxing with me in Lilydale - sounds like its going to be so much fun. The week after i'm looking forward to more coz Vic and I start our Rock'n'Roll/Swing dancing on the Monday and boxing and whatever else on Tuesday hold my circuit class and Wednesdays, plus gym. Looks like im going to have to start seeing the hour of 6am again. doh.
Can't wait. I'm going to look absolutely smashing come my 21st! Yay.
|
|
| What a super weekend... |
[Monday
Apr 16th, 07 @ 8:59am] |
I had an awesome weekend.
Apart from sleeping until 3pm yesterday and the whole day being a total rideoff....Friday night was just grand ended up having about 16 people coming over and sharing B&B night with me - it's getting bigger and bigger every week. I got totally ridden off - like usual. Lee, Adam, Nicole (x2) Steph, Jai and Al and I sat in the spa until around 1:30am when everyone left - Lee, Jai and Steph then went back to Lee's place (700m from my place) so Nicole and I followed shortly after to play some pool.
Lee and I have a history. It's not a recent history either. It's a "he was my first ever boyfriend" kind of history and it's kinda weird we're still friends - but there still is this stupid chemistry and everyone around us seems to see/feel it also. So they hung it on us all night - like for one - Steph saying that its more likely then not I will be the first to "chirsten" Lee's new bed. Kinda freaks me out a little - I'm not really sure how I think or feel about this quite yet. Would be much easier if I didn't have to think about it at all and for things to just 'happen' - or not happen, which is funnily enough happening right now and I'm still thinking about it.
I'm joining the gym this week, yay. I'm actually so excited about it i'm litually jumping up and down.
More good news. I'm starting my classes *angel*. Sian and I were talking during our shift at the mart on Saturday and i was complaing becuase I oculdnt find a place to hold a couple of hour classes a week for the kids at kmart and friends. But then it hit me, why do I have to hold the classes indoors? I know its winter coming up and it will be cold maybe raining... but why not do it outside? It could work...couldn't it?????? So i'm planning on taking them on a Tuesday evening 7-8 at my place. Probably just a circuit class to start with and kinda do a wide range of exercises - hopefully get out the gloves - and hopefully everyone will love it.
But thats all i've got for today.
Oh Saturday night I spent playing Shrek 2 on PS2 with danz - because we havent spent quality friend time for a while. It was good. =D
|
|
|
[Tuesday
Mar 20th, 07 @ 5:59pm] |
|
Ahhh the awakful joy of no longer having to job hunt.
I gave up! I gave up and in - yes thats right, Kate is going back to legal. And this is because I need to pay things off.... I need to organise myself a little bit more, go into my buisness with money behind me - unlike my selfish acts already displayed earlier this year.
My job will be working for 2 Lawyers, who claim to call themselves Partners of the firm - it's not really even for a firm. It's not in the city this is a good thing - but for this fact alone I wish I was still living in Heidleberg. DOH. It's in Eaglemont. Straight off Banksia St. I can deal with that. I really can.
Many positives... Lets explore together.
* I get my own office
* I set my own rules (this one I like particularly) I am a freerange chook.
* I am not working with other people who can boss we around
* My new bosses have only just moved into this new building and... they are husband and wife.
* If I have nothing to do come closer to the days end, they are not going to make me sit around and wait until 5 for me to leave.
* I get my own laptop.
* I'm getting paid more than my mother.
* I don't have to catch the trian. Yipppppeeeee.
* I can my many bills. Awesome.
---------------------------------------------------
Downside.
* It's not personal training.
* It's not my own buisness
* It's not Uni.
---------------------------------------------------
Well then. I suppose the good outweigh the bad. I wonder if I will like it.
|
|
| Just... something. |
[Monday
Mar 19th, 07 @ 12:34pm] |
|
Pen, give me a pen,
I want to write
Let me write
I cried tonight
what is wrong with me
I cried without a drink
I showed emotion
I can't think
Let me pace the backyard...
Dad asked me what I want to be
how I was going to make in the big bad world,
And I tried...
I really tried
to pretrend i could be
This amazing person
someone who believed.
I lost faith
and i cried
I can't be this picture perfect lullaby
barbie girl wannabe
Noone can understand
the pain, the disorder
how many times
i was told to be brave
Nobody knows
It's I'm loosing blood
and i'm weak.
Depends how deep the wound is.
I want another beer
GIVE ME A GODDAMN BEER
...give me a beer
I know you can hear me
please hear me
And i cry
and cry
cry.
Let me cry
I don't know why
Why?
Who really knows who they want to be?
why they want to be
What sane person doesn't strive to be
what they want to be?
Why can't the world let me be, who I want to be?
Let me try
Let me be good at it
Let me love being good at it
Let me love
Let me feel
Let me love and let me feel
I can't lie
Why not me?
It makes me breathe in the guttered air
seek sanctuary where its not needed
and never left alone
Let me breathe the toxic air
Let me breathe it in
Its not fair
Nothing is fair
Why me?
Why me?
i'm not the cool kid
with parents who trust
don't feel the worthlessness and don't believe
in the person I already am
That is me
They don't see me
No little princess
Not good enough
never good enough
I hope you read this
and you feel
the way that I feel
I hope it touches the soul
and tears fall
I know for fact you dont have this fire
this saddened soul of mine
And I cry
I still cry
Just hold meand tell me your proud
that you believe me
when I say I've tried
I try and try
AND TRY
I just want to be
who I want to be
I just to be...
Times ticking and my
conscienous is bleeding
I'm tired, weak
To feel to see
to love to be
to hate to breathe
to be me.
Except it
Coz I am it
Another beer...
Give me another beer. So I cry.
|
|
|
[Wednesday
Mar 14th, 07 @ 12:29pm] |
I'm really really really thinking hard about something I can write.
And i have nothing.
Unless it was painful complaining that everyone has already heard.
I need a job.
I want a job.
I'm bored of being jobless.
Perhaps I should call centrelink. DOH.
Sad sad day.
|
|
| ROCK THIS PARTY....DANCE EVERYBODY....MAKE IT HOT IN THIS PARTY....DON'T STOP...MOVE YOUR BODY... |
[Monday
Mar 12th, 07 @ 12:16pm] |
She did it again. Jen did it again.
We were dancing, Dawson and me, it was fun, I was having fun.... drunk fun - but he and I - after 3 weeks of no communication, were good, playing pool and having fun. Innocent fun.
And then she turns up. All grumpy - you always no instantly when she is upset about something. Lips pressed together, angry eyes, typical stubborn face of a girl. You ask whats wrong and get shunted. It's okay for her to play around with Pacey; but when it comes to Dawson she gets "protective" like he is hers - did I mention I introduced them to each other? I know I'm jealous...but I dont know why. i suppose its because last night we were this close; this close to having the firework display - it makes me nervous thinking about- and then she turns up and kinda just glares. Or it may be because she's been there and im just not good enough for him, which im not, only because he has been with almost everyone of my friends. But it doesn't matter how dorky or how many left feet he has it's just there. You know the magical flames that burn but never go out, the ones that are inside you. And it doesnt matter how much you try to fool yourself that your not falling backwards and hating him for pushing you they're still there, and then they do something special or kind or hold your hand and dance so onko that it makes you cry in fits of laughter. But thats how it is for us, Dawson and me.
But the funny this is, i'll never do anything about it - I'm too scared of making a move in fear that the next day he doesn't remember. He drinks and is all over me like a rash, we hold hands, we dance. Innocent fun. We never kiss. Never touch. The power of the magic is there, but come tomorrow he doesn't remember, or never seems to remember.
Whilst my head was spinning around in my head last night he messaged me saying that he hopes i didn't mind him holding my hand dancing - we've done that before, whys it different now?
Jen told Matt that, Dawson and I were together, Matt walked off straight away. I feel bad because he looked hurt you could read it in his eyes and to avoid the awkward silence he walked away. And then the Jack Daniels girl told Dawson after i had pouted and begged for a Jack (he paying of course); that we made a cute couple. I got a jack and free keyring! and later got a free stubby holder also! AWESOME.
But like the story goes...
Dawson and Joey never end up together. There will always be a Pacey.
----Joey
"I go crazy
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy
No my heart just can't hide
That old feeling inside
Way deep down inside
I go crazy
You know when I look in your eyes
I go crazy"
|
|
|
[Saturday
Mar 10th, 07 @ 1:19pm] |
I can ate again, it's amazing! Really it is. But today I am eating healthy, i even had wheatbix for brekkie and a salad sandwitch for lunch. How good am I??? I have to be strict!
Matt's family and myself are picking on him at the moment, he told me I wasnt cool, so i said I wasnt tlaking to him and he's brother and his dad are now in on it also. Its awesome. lol and funny.... Childish but necessary.
Work front is looking alright, im going to go put my resume down at the telstra shop at Chirnside before work today - I saw on Seek that they are looking for other sales consultants - which could be alright, I could tolerate it I think, being 5 minutes from home and all and a 32k base rate. Not to bad at all; well i dont think its that bad anyway.
I feel like I have given up on health and fitness, it kinda drives me insane anyway. Its beginning to be obvious that because I dont look the part I can't play the part and half of me is wishing I had of gotten into Uni this year, but agian that seems too extreme, even for me. But besides that there are a few jobs I have taken a liking too anyways, like a sporting admin/reception job for a sports club in Richmond, or an admin job at Melb Uni College promoting health and fitness.... and then of course there are all those legal secretarial jobs I love so much that I could take up. *twiddles thumbs* *shrugs*
I have to work at 3 today.. what a gross time and only for 3 hours, which isnt so bad... but really its poo money probably not even $50 - I need a real job LOL
Anyway, Perth is still on the cards also, we'll just have to see what happens!
I have to drink a gallon of water now... i am super thirsty.
|
|
|
[Tuesday
Mar 6th, 07 @ 10:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Tummy hurties |
] |
Food poisoning. DON'T EVER GET IT.
My doctor put it down to food poisoning... i dunno the pharamist said it would only last 24-48 hours.... the doctor tells me a few days, maybe 5 days... so by wedneday I'll feel better... I don't feel so bad today, my tummy is still a little upset and I know I can't eat anything because my tummy gets violent - extremely violent. I miss food.
So i'm back at sitting at home, not that i would be of any great help in a workplace today...mmmm scrambled eggs....
But I am going to try and get to the gym today - dragging J along for the ride, put her through her paces see what she is made of... shall be grand. Hopefully there I will bump into David and we can chat about whats happening with my contract and where that is at. I still need $1200.00 to start there, but argh - with the lengthy process going on here i wouldn't be surprised that somehow I would come up with that sort of money. - Highly doubt it though with no work and all.
I've had some calls from legal places that have seen my resume on the net and would like me to come in for an interview; i'm in this place again where i don't know what I wanna do. I want to work for myself, whether it be at Fitness First or whether it be my own business but to get there will I need a stable job fo another 6 months to pay for all sorts of things that I can't afford at the moment? I don't want too, but maybe I should? The thought of it just makes me all yuk inside, food poisoning aside, wish money grew on tress that then would be fun.
I almost feel like baking a cake... but i think that is too much effort.... I feel like eating a cake though...mmmm cakeeee.... stupid stomach.
Anyway must fly i have jobs to hunt down.
|
|
|
[Friday
Mar 2nd, 07 @ 12:07pm] |
i think I worked out why yesterday i was so jitterish.
Last night I came down with a fever. Actually a lot like one I would usually get if I had just had penicillian. i feel all rashy and hot and flushed and kinda break out all blotchy. And this morning i have sat on the toilet most of the day - which in it's own sense is rather unpleasent to read about, but tough luck. The stupid pharamists won't let me take anything for it because it's "better out then it" and she thinks its food poisoning. I didn't eat that much yesterday. I had chinese and a cheese and ham toasted sandwitch - which is probably the problem. But now because my stomach is upset my back hurts, my tummy is no doubt upside down - hence the toilet issue and is not going to hold any food and I am relatively hungry. However, this may just be something that is "going around" this office at the moment, as Maureen was crook yesterday and Tracey isn't feeling too good either, and with my immune system shot through the roof it wouldn't surprise me if this is "something that is going around" and besides my glands are up and tired as all get out and have potential loss of appetite despite knowing that in reality I am hungry. I think I rambled good then.
And that's face it, I can't be sick for B&B night tonight... I just can't be. Although I probably shouldn't drink. Bah but whats a burger without a bourbon?.... My point exactly.
Anyway I'm about to go complain about the working conditions here its just not egonomic enough my back didn't get this sore until the end of my term at M+R and now its almost as bad again after working here for 2 weeks. I don't want to get them in trouble or anything because they aren't so bad to work for I just think the secretaries should be better looked after then sitting on chairs that are ripped and look as if they have been found in the tip. I just don't agree with it. Especially knowing how much damage this has the potential of doing to someones posture...
Okay enough from me. I just want the day to end.
|
|
|
[Thursday
Mar 1st, 07 @ 12:25pm] |
Bah Bah Black Sheep have you any wool???
I am a little jitterish this morning i don't know why, i feel anxious with no real explanation to put it down too, like my heart is in my mouth, i feel shakey and i don't know why,
Tomorrow's friday, this is a good thing. I see my friends, i remember i have friends.... I drink, i talk to people and then i hit the blah zone again.
It's like I have something on the tip of my tounge that I know is wrong - apart from money and not having any... like the denial of being a failure. i need positive vibes - I need a job that brings in real money and most importantly I need to get away from my parents. They have this unmistakable power over me, my money how I spend it, what i eat - or don't eat, how i live and how i spend my time. I lived out of home for a year and lived in this almost bliss away from them accept when things started going wrong in Heidleberg with the girls I was living with - where I did anything i had control of my life and now it's "should you really being going out oyu have to work tomorrow and you dont have the money for it" Like how the hell do they know if i have the money for it? For all they know I may not be in debt but in this mountain of cash that they don't know about - needless to say - i'm not, but it would be nice. Last Friday night dad swore at me numerous times because apparently I was living in a "pig sty" in the bungaloo out the back - and if i don't clean up my act I can get the fuck out - but why is he in my room? it should be this little term and condition when people buy houses that when they give their children a room they should not talk about or preach how it is left or looks like. Sure I am not an all that messy person, I clean my room when it needs to be done - most of the time its just clothes that give off the messy room effect but again I'm soon to be 21, not 12.
So after Friday debarkle I have found someone who is also looking at moving interstate. Yes interstate - it's like I have stooped this low to get away from people who drive me to this depressed land that I really don't like to be. So at the moment it looks as if Perth is the next stop. Sorry to all those Sydney Slickers.... maybe next time. So I'm going to start looking for a job up there and applying and maybe even a secretrial job as well as p.ting. Although i have thought up yet another personal training idea which invovles secretaries. A strength and conditioning program to stop injuries in the work place, like lower back and shoulder injuries, how to relax muscles whilst sitting at the computer and how to strengthen these muscles to stop back problems including lordosus/kifosus (excuse my spelling my is bad today) and even scoliosus. But whatev man, thats going to cost money to do also.
Hrm jobs I could be good at ey....
1. Customer service
2. Legal Secretary
3. Personal training
4. Retail
That's about it.......*ponders*
|
|
|
[Monday
Feb 26th, 07 @ 10:31am] |
Monday morning..... Monday morning blueeees.... I have the Monday morning blues....ohhhhh yeah baby yeah. Awesome.
Boredom, it does some serious damage.
Friday night was B&B night, Bourbon & Burger night, it was alright - i decided to maybe get trashed because dad had been swearing at me and all so i was rather upset but wanted to put on a brave face for the friends. He wants me to move out again after both his and mother dearests efforts to get me back home, apparently I must "clean up my act; or get the fuck out..." hrm; get the fuck out is probably a more reasonable thing to do. I don't think its unreasonable to be out in my back unit all day long (weekends) and then coming to the house when I need to use the bathroom or get something to eat.... how's that unreasonable? So anyway once everyone left I got rather upset and wrote some drunken messages to people saying that I was sick of it and moving interstate so they (parents) have no way of forcing me to do anything.
Saturday I reallly really REALLY wanted to sleep in but was awake by 8:30 so I watched Buffy up until 12.30 and then went and picked up Sam for our last game of tennis for the season. Needless to say, we lost. But Sam and I won our mixed set 7-6 in a tiebreak so that was an awesomely good game. And by the time 4.30 rolled around I was starving because I hadn't eaten all day, so afternoon tea with the other team wasn't so bad after all.
Saturday evening, Dani came round and we watched Essendon LOOSE... to Carlton of all people, why them? I am so over the moon that the footy is back.... yayness. Might try and hit some interstate games this year maybe a tassie game even - I miss it in Tassie.... and i don't know why.... I think its because last time I was there I got the impression everything was haunted... I dunno. After the footy we went to a 21st in Mooroolbark - that was okay, nothing splish. The speaches were funny and for some reason I am not really looking forward to August when my speaches will be made. No thanks. (J you are so screwed come your birthday I just thought of the most embarressing things to say!!!!!) Our lift left without even telling us and even though we were a suburb away from where we had to be I wasn't so keen on walking home at 2am. But i was going to do it and then Jimmy was soooooo cute he was like... no you can't walk home by yourself, I won't allow it or if i do I have to come with you because no girl should walk alone and if you get a cab we'll share it because no girl should be catching a cab by herself either... and I was like don't be silly Danz is going to take you; she just doesn't have room for Dani or me it's cool I'll be fine... and he was like...okay fine, but heres my number you HAVE to ring me as soon as you get home otherwise I'll be worried. See so cute.
Anyway we ended up calling a cab and then when it turned up someone else got in it so I called Nicole - yes at 2am and she was awake reading lol, so that was fine and she came got us phew.
Again I wanted to sleep in yesterday morning; but couldn't because having to work at 9.30 at Kmart... I had a tiny hangover but my worst problem was being so stupidly tired. I got grumpy customers all morning and rude people on the phone... and then I got home I was locked out so I went down to my place and watched buffy wanted to sleep so bad but couldn't... wanted to eat something but couldn't get inside; instead I just lay there and watched the screen.
Today I am hopelessly tired again.... but I have chocolate to servive on and the thought that lunch is now only 2 hours away and of course the thought of a caffeine fix....mmmm coffee. Tonight however I am going to turn into a 12 year old and party like it is 1996 and rock on to WESTLIFE and ANTHONY CALLEA... w00t go me... So again sleep is not on the cards. Boo.
I am trying to get Wednesday off at the moment coz I have to work at Kmart at 3 and I so prefer working there than here... and I may be able to tolerate working only 4 days here then 5 days. And I have to see if I can leave early tomorrow. Meh. Do I looked fussed? Didn't think so.
Anyway back to eating chocolate. Later days!
|
|
|
[Thursday
Feb 22nd, 07 @ 9:52am] |
I think the last time I updated was sometime last week... who knows.... I certainly don't.
At the moment I am sitting in an office.... does anyone know how fustrating that is?? Just don't do it. Actually I don't even know if i am allowed to use the internet but i don't really care. I'm trying to put together an affidavit and the guy I am working for doesn't exactly leave the brightest instructions... and boy oh boy do I need another coffee. This morning I have been on the phone to serval clients and the Magistrates' Court.... whoever knew temping would be oh such fun....*thumbs down* oh well I shouldn't complain $22 an hour....
Tuesday night the girls and I went and saw Snow Patrol at Festival Hall, it was packed but for the two support bands we had an awesome spot.. like right up against the barrier... which was awesome and then Emily decided to faint on us so Chloe took her to first aid and J and I just stayed at the barrier until I decided I couldn't breathe and my feet were killing and this was all before SP.... damn it. So in the end J and I gave up our spots and went and watched from the midst of all the fun....oh what fun. SP were awesome though, none of that emo wanna be stuff - which was good. On the way home we stopped twice at Macdonals. Once in Victoria Parade and then again at Nunawading... like only because Vic Prd didn't have chips... what Maccas in their right mind do not sell chips???? argh.
So anyway, I'm tired, I'm drained...wish I could pull a sicky but I clearly wouldn't get paid for that.
In PT land - it's good, it seems I shall be working at KNOX FITNESS FIRST - if anyone wants a trainer or some free training sessions let me know...I need to get street cred in the gym... I'm actually really looking forward to starting - having a uniform again...omg that will be bliss I can save money on clothes w00t. Not that I have brought anything recently because I am flat broke and have about 5 million bills to pay which I can't afford to pay at the moment - not to mention two speeding fines to go along with it all.
I took penicillian this morning because my tonsils have flared up again....(*grumble*) and whenever I do take it (as I am allergic -obviously not overly allergic...) but behind my ears gets all hot and scratchy and down my neck.... maybe If I take more I break out in a rash and get told to go home.... I am evil canevil and this is my lamp. I am lamp... lamp lamp lamp. Such a strange word.
V day was a blur, sucked MAJORLY i think from memory I slept half the day only to get one message from Alistair claiming that he hoped I got bunches and bunches of flowers and that I had a magic day.... yeah....right.
Basketball tonight w00t. Watched Clo's team last night and now I am in soooo the mood for bball... you have no idea. Soooo I have decided to go "shoot some hoops" before basketball tonight with some of the team w00t.
I wish I had an interesting story to tell... but I don't... which is boring.. because this takes up time and if I am typing it kinda gives the impression that I am doing some work... and if i am reading it doesn't... argh. I've decided that if personal training doesn't work out for me then perhaps I could do a traineeship of court registry. The pay is good - like really good, especially for a trainee. Awesome. It seems that forever now i am going to be stuck in the sport v legal rut. Argh. The damn law... screw the law. hrmph.
Rambled enough must get to work on this file I have sitting in front of me. *grumble*
|
|
|
[Friday
Feb 9th, 07 @ 2:16pm] |
"you've had a bad day; you've had a bad day....
sing a sad song just to turn it around...
you've had a bad day...."
Extremely bad, no wait, worse then extremely bad... how much worse can there be. I mean, I'm not in tears - I'm actually quite content; but how much worse can a day get?
Here are my top 5 bad things that have happened today - in no particular order.
1. Cancel my Massage course after rejecting impulsesive aspirations...
2. Getting my car shat on twice whilst driving Chloe home...
3. Getting home after dropping Chloe off to find two pieces of mail for me...one being a speeding fine.
4. The other being another speeding fine. At the same intersection; for the same speed; and for the same amount of dermerit points.
5. My Grandpa has prostate cancer....
Somebody please give me a paper bag to put over my head. NOW.
*twiddles thumbs*
I think I need a bourbon and a cigar.... is that how you spell cigar? I think I am only slightly going off the rails here....
Okay now to turn those 5 things into good things...
1. I can do the Massage Course at a later date when i have the finances to back it...
2. I suppose I can wash my car ... ewww.... far to much effort I know that, but car will then be clean...
3. Not drink eat or breathe until 22 March and pay speeding fine then....
4. Refer to above notation.
5. Urm yeah forgot about this one...*sniff* be a big strong girl, try and be the best I can be for him, nothing is ever over... gotta keep functioning.
Anyway I kind of stumped myself on number 5 there, of course not intentionally - like everyone has cancer cells in their body right.... it's not like they appear out of nowhere.
"and you've had a bad day..."
|
|
|
[Saturday
Feb 3rd, 07 @ 8:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 upset |
] |
I've been reading.... yes I know that sounds extreme - and it probably really is; but I have been indeed reading. Other peoples journals that is.
So yes now that I have established I can successfully read I shall move right along.
---------------------
I love bourbon. Bourbon; bourbon; bourbon.
Yes I have been drinking... I enjoy drinking, especially when I am upset.
It started on Thursday night after basketball. Kristy was upset because she felt like she had no self worth and I was feeling much the same. Mum's been telling me more often then not lately that it's going to be impossible for me to get a job in the fitness industry looking like a beached whale. And no I didn't just over elaberate there - that is the truth, that is what she said. So of course we went out, Dani, Kristy, Chloe, Macca, Fee, some guy and I went to Ringwood pool place and got absolutely smashed... well I did - However, I could still walk. But it wasn't a fun smashed... it was the smashed where you would prefer to walk in front of a bus then to have to wollow in your own self worth. Only then I realised I am kinda over putting on that brave face; i'm almost ready to crack. I don't want to be subject to a fake smile, or that ridiculous laugh. When Dani asked me "are you alright" that one to many times ; I didn't want to turn to her, smile and say "yeah hun, just fine..." I am sick of feeling like this.
Yesterday was a different story again. Chloe has been staying at my place since Wednesday night; my family know her pretty well; mum's comfortable enough to be walking around in her underwear around her for god's sake... anyway mum went off at me for something so small. I hadn't washed two glasses that clo and I had used earlier to have a drink. She went off her rocket. I can't remember what else she said... but there was more. I had to feed the dog, which I did; whilst getting ready for b&b night. But she yelled and screamed and Chloe just sat there, looking at me. I felt this big. I think it's because again I have failed both mum and dad, I'm not in an office making remarkably decent enough money to keep me afloat; instead I'm this wanna be personal trainer who in her parent's eyes will never make it because she is this thing, not a person, but this object, whose failed. But I want too, I really want to make things for me work. I want to run a successful buisness; have a healthy life whether it be as a beached whale trying to make a living as a personal trainer. I guess I just feel that my family don't love me like a family should. Like support your every dicision; even if it is a crap one and you end up with no money... not that thats a huge threat at the moment because I have the option of temping which I will get to shortly...
Last night I was drunk, drunk from hilmilation, drunk from confusion - but it was good, because I could walk around like I owned the place and walk home like I owned the streets at 2am and noone cared. I could be funny, I could laugh freely, I could tell jokes and have people laugh...but I also cried, cried inside and for many things that most people believe are unachievable of me.
And today, well today I suppose I hit this wall, this huge big brick thing. I am one of the most positive people I know, whether I do my own thing or not I can make it and prove people wrong... and even now when I basically have tears streaming down my face I know that some day soon it will be okay and everything will fall in place. When, I don't know... but it will; it has too.
--------------------------------
I have decided also to go back to the IITA and do my Massage Qualifications and then use that as well as personal training for advertising. It's going to cost me around $4000 to complete. Money I don't have. So in order to get this money I am going to go back into legal land *grumbles* and sit behind a computer for 2 days a week and hopefully p.t here and there and get the $4000 this way. It's only for 6 months.... will it be so bad?
All this to make dreams reality and at the end I can cry tears of success and triumph over fears of failure and tell people who care to listen, that dreaming really is believing.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
kamandakayt's journal